You Don't Have to Read This

Ever had one of those friends who tries to persuade you into not doing something with the old “you don’t have to do anything” phrase. Like when you tell them you have to go to work instead of the Mexican Midget Rodeo, they make you feel like some sissy conformist who’s working for the man. You don’t have to do anything. Let’s evaluate their logic with the following questions: “Who makes us do these things we have to do?“ and “Why do we have to do them?”

Q. Who makes us do the things we have to do?
A. The man. Your friend is right.
There are several different forms of the man out there: The government (I have to pay my taxes), your boss (I have to go to work), your teacher (I have to turn in this assignment), your girlfriend’s cat (I have to feed Mr. Flufferwubbykins), etc… Yes, the man is omnipresent; an all-pervading entity designed by humanity to dictate our actions and fueled by necessity.

Q. Why do we have to do them?
A. We don’t. Your friend is right.
We convince ourselves that we have to do things because we don’t think there is an alternative. Oh, there are alternatives for everything. Let us review a few. For completeness’ sake, we will observe the ‘Have-to’ the ‘Alternative’ and for fun, the ‘Result’.

Have-to: I have to go to work.
Alternative: You don’t go to work
Result: You get fired

Have-to: I have to visit my Grandma
Alternative: You don’t visit your Grandma
Result: You do not get inheritance when Grandma kicks it

Have-to: I have to eat
Alternative: You don’t eat
Result: You die

And those are just a few examples. Okay, now for:
The Flaw in the Logic:

Have-to: You have to go to the bathroom
Alternative: You don’t go to the bathroom
Result: You still have to go to the bathroom.
*As everyone knows, still having to go to the bathroom is virtually the same as having to go to the bathroom. So there you go. There’s your argument. Next time your sissy, belittling, non-conformist, anti-authority, hippie friend tells you that you don’t have to do anything, you can tell them- in all honesty- you most certainly do.

Absolutely Nothing

I’m sitting down to write because I told myself I would at least three times a week. Every great writer (or creative writing teacher) I’ve known says that there is no such thing as writer’s block. They tell you to get up, have a walk, eat, watch TV or better yet, just sit down and write even if it’s about absolutely nothing. Okay, here I am writing about absolutely nothing. Thank you Mr. Henderson.

5 Yoshi’s here with me. Yup, good old Yoshi. He is a handsome cat with yellowish-green eyes and sleek, glossy black fur. When Patrick and I met him at the Petsmart adoption center we fell in love with him because he reminded us of my Mom & Dad’s cat, Boo. Anyone who’s ever met Boo wondered immediately why we fell in love with Yoshi. Boo has attitude…to say the least. He is gray and short-haired. He has the shape of a Siamese cat, but he’s got a big butt; very pear-shaped. He tends to get into things. As a matter of fact, if it is true that everyone has a purpose, getting into things is his. That, and always being underfoot. When he is caught doing something wrong, and you run up to him yelling or clapping your hands or both, he just stops and looks at you. “Why are you bothering me?” He seems to say through narrowed eyes. But he’s a cutie. That’s why we fell in love with Yoshi.
“So,” you ask, “is Yoshi like Boo?” Yes, of course he is. Patrick and I were doomed to live out our wish, thus learning to be careful what we wish for. When we chose Yoshi, he was in a cage with another black cat. At the time, they called him Bucky and his parenthetical title was “the fat one". Oho…they thought he was fat then? He’s massive now, he has surpassed Boo in enormity. And like Boo, he too is a trouble-maker. His favorite place to be? Why wherever we don’t want him, of course; for instance, pressing his fore-paw into your surgical wound and sinking all 18 pounds of himself into it.
Yoshi’s meow sounds like a gargle. It’s cute, but sometimes he does it without opening his mouth and that’s kind of creepy. But all in all my Yoshi’s cute and wonderful…even the birdy-sounding gargle-meow.

Potter "hate mail" rant

My new obsession this month is Harry Potter. Okay, well it’s been an obsession for a while now, but it always resurfaces full-force upon the release of a new book or movie. My recent new cause being to get the word out that Carrie Ann Moss has to play Narcissa Malfoy in the next movie, I found myself at Mugglenet.com where this little gem of hate mail stood out to me:

HOw DARE you compare one of the best pieces of litature to a little kids movie, and devote a whole website to it? ok there may be some things alike between the lord of the rings and harry potter but thats because the writers of harry potter ripped some things off. … honsetly all that harry potter is a piece of crap that is a lord the rings rip off.

Let us assume the writer meant Lord of the Rings as one amongst the best pieces of literature as numerous Google searches for ‘litature’ have come up negative. My argument to this grammar enthusiast (note the sarcasm) is that, to compare - by simple definition - is to point out the “some things“ that are “alike” between two or more subjects. After his scathing acceptance that there are indeed some things alike between Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings he states that HP is a rip-off of LOTR. This is a statement that screams: “I have not read the books I mentioned in this letter, nor have I seen the movies. I am, in fact, a complete nincompoop.”

The Harry Potter series and Lord of the Rings are alike mostly in that they are stories about people in which things happen. That being said, I think it is pretty obvious that every book ever written is a blatant rip-off of the bible. No, no, I am kidding.

There are bound to be similarities between any story that centers on magic and LOTR because JRR Tolkien invented, defined or elaborated on almost everything we know about the magical world. Much like how Shakespeare is credited with inventing many words of the English language, Tolkien created a magic so realistic that we are forced to use it because people wouldn’t believe it otherwise. An author would be opening themselves for contemptuous letters with comments such as: “Elves don’t use battle-axes, dwarves use battle axes. What are you, stupid?”
Actually, one would be surprised by the lack of rip-offs in the Harry Potter series. It certainly doesn’t mirror Tolkien’s Middle Earth the way that Eragon or Wizard of Earthsea do, and yet both of those books are still very good and unique to boot.

A new similarity presented in the most recent installment of the series, Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. has Harry learning that in order to kill the all-time worst baddie, he must first destroy an object (or objects). This is a lot like the ‘One Ring’ I guess, but the theories, reasons, motives, still very different. Despite any similarities I haven't pointed out, the two stories are completely different. Take it from someone who has read both the HP series and LOTR and loves them exceedingly.


Thanks for reading. If you don’t agree with me, good; It takes all kinds to make a world.
But if you don’t agree that Carrie Ann Moss should play Narcissa Malfoy then kiss my ass.